Sonspot

I stumbled across this in the Gospel of Mark:

32And a multitude was sitting about him; and they say unto him, Behold, thy mother and thy brethren without seek for thee. 3:33And he answereth them, and saith, Who is my mother and my brethren? 3:34And looking round on them that sat round about him, he saith, Behold, my mother and my brethren! 3:35For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother.

Now when I think of doing God's will I think of physical action, not sitting around in a circle as these people were doing when Jesus stated they were doing God's will. Surely not everyone in this multitude were sinless, and maybe even a few weren't very nice people. They did have one thing in common though, it appears they believed in God's son. This belief was enough for the author of life to call them brothers.

This is a compilation of tips I have gathered that, if followed, would markedly improve doctor-patient relationships:

-You aren't being cleaver when you claim you are allergic to all forms of pain killers other than hydrocodone and Demerol. That trick is as old as Moses and won't work. You aren't going to back me into a corner regarding what to prescribe.

-Seeing me buy a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon at the liquor store doesn't mean I have a drinking problem, just poor taste in wines.

-Yes, I do find it suspicious that you drove 80 miles, and across state lines, to complain that you are in so much pain you can hardly walk.

-Just because you saw me at the county fair eating a hotdog doesn't mean I'm a hypocrite.

-You do know that I have access to the records of all scheduled drugs that have been prescribed to you for the past three years, don't you?

-Yes, it is illegal to see three different doctors a week for percocet prescriptions.

-No, cursing at me and/or threatening me with physical harm will not make that oxycontin prescription magically appear.

-When you wait until after office hours to call me at home wanting medications, don't think I don't know you're simply avoiding paying for an office visit.

-No, I will not give you general anesthesia before I remove your ingrown toenail.

-Please, don't wait until the end of a 15 minute office visit, while I'm exiting the room, to tell me about the crushing chest pains you've been experiencing.

-I hate checking your prostate as much as you hate having it checked.

-Over the phone, I have no idea what might be in your eye.

-If you're so inconsiderate as to call me at home at 1 a.m. to tell me about a rash that you've had for the past two weeks, don't act surprised if I'm short with you.

-No, I won't treat your dog.

-I don't care what Bobby at the feed store diagnosed you as having.

1. Always hold Sunday morning service way later than any other church around you. Pay no heed to diabetics needing to eat or parents with small, irritable, children.

2. Be sure to treat your "flock" like the sheep you think they are. Tell them how to dress, how the wear their hair, when to work, what to read and what music they can listen to.

3. Call individuals out for the alter call when you think they have sinned, "Larry I think you REALLY need to come up here today".

4. Have guest missionaries preach who don't realize they are back in the states preaching to American converts. Make sure they rail against Catholics and other protestant sects.

5. Shame the families of members who have to work on Sundays by telling them that "if Tom really loved the Lord he would find a way out of working". Suggest to that member that he should quit his job in order to make it to your Sunday services.

6. Call members who missed Sunday service and tell them that you're worried they "may have gone over to the Methodists".

7. Constantly hold tithings for your home improvement ideas. Don't notice that you live in a larger and more modern home than many in your congregation.

8. Have the church build you a home and then demand the deed be in your name only.

9. Refuse to baptize a person unless they become a member of your church.

10. Refuse to marry anyone if they've ever been divorced, regardless of the reasons for the divorce or if it occurred before they were saved.

11. Don't ask them to participate, simply designate which members will cook for Sunday dinners/funeral dinners.

12. Confuse the Gospel message. Make sure none in your congregation is ever really sure of their salvation. Make being saved a mix of the sacrificial death of Christ and personal piety.

13. When confessing your sins to the congregation make sure it's inane stuff that will make you look good. "I confess that the Lord has been weighing heavy on my heart about how dirty I let my car get". Or, "I confess that I have grown too attached to sleep."

14. Pan the movie "Passion of the Christ" by complaining that you've been saying the same thing for years so why all the fuss now?

Note: This is not about any certain pastor, it's simply a collection of things I've noticed after 34 years of church attendance.

Has apparently lost his mind:

"We know that margins for error are valid, and that results have fallen within the error range for every Presidential election for the past fifty years prior to last fall. NEVER have exit polls varied by beyond-error margins in a single state, not since 1948 when this kind of polling began. In this past election it happened in ten states, all of them swing states, all of them in Bush's favor. Coincidence? Of course not.

Karl Rove isn't capable of conceiving and executing such a grandiose crime? Wake up."

I never cared for the guy ever since he made the 1990 Wimbledon unwatchable due to his continuous gushing over then 13 year old Jennifer Caprioti, but I didn't know he was crazy.

That's what I am according to the Political Topology test.

This is an interesting test that looks at both social and economic beliefs to give one a more accurate picture of their political philosophy.

I was to the right (3.0) and slightly libertarian (-0.77).

Maybe it's just the fact that I'm on vacation, but there is NOTHING to blog about, nothing. It's like the lame second half of Full Metal Jacket. The story continues, but all the cool stuff has already happened. Social security reform, judges, illegal immigration etc. What has not been said about all these already?

With that, I turn to my navel.

Things I (so far) did on my vacation:

-Sealed driveway. The fumes almost got to me a few times, but I survived it fully intact.

-Stained both decks and fence. I have this cool new power sprayer. It's loud as all get out (which I enjoy)and it cuts my staining time down to nothing. My forearms will be rust colored for the next few weeks, but that's the price of progress.

-Cleared fence row (still doing that). I have this family of quail living in the brush and I can't bring myself to clear that part. However, the quail bring the snakes which was the whole reason I was clearing the brush in the first place. After finding a four foot copperhead sunning in my backyard near where my son plays I knew the brush had to go. I think the quail family's days are numbered.

-Replace actuator on truck. I didn't really replace it, all I did was locate it and decide that I needed a professional to do it.

-Replaced Lattice under decks. Rabbits live under my deck and chew holes through the lattice. I've left open spaces this time in hopes that they will not destroy these.

I still have alot to do before I return to work, but I think that was a good start.

Here. I just hope she is a big fan of the Godfather movies or you will have alot of explaining to do.

From the front lines of the burger wars:

The burger war is growing. Literally. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub, which lost its crown as the home of the world's biggest burger earlier this year, is now offering a new burger that weighs a whopping 15 pounds.

Yeah, 15 pounds. It's Like the burger in that annoying Hardees commercial with all the models dirty dancing with each other and aggressively eating this ridiculously giant sandwich, Freud would've been proud.

Dubbed the Beer Barrel Belly Buster, the burger comes with 10.5 pounds of ground beef, 25 slices of cheese, a head of lettuce, three tomatoes, two onions, a cup-and-a-half each of mayonnaise, relish, ketchup, mustard and banana peppers - and a bun.

For $30.00 you can have one too.

This is simply too weird to ignore:

More than 1,000 toads have puffed up and exploded in a Hamburg pond in recent weeks, and German scientists have no explanation for it.

But wait, there may be an explanation after all:

One German scientist studying the remains has a theory: Hungry crows are pecking out their livers. "The crows are clever," said Frank Mutschmann, a Berlin veterinarian who collected and tested specimens at the Hamburg pond. "They learn quickly from watching other crows how to get the livers."

Was it really necessary to state that the crows were hungry? I hardly think that was being disputed by anyone.

I was going to do this whole bit about silence of the frogs, but I'm on vacation and I'm tired.